Where is the 'me'?

So I started this blog as I've seen numerous people do. To document my pregnancy and my little man's life. but what I've neglected to do is to share how having a baby added to my life has changed me so very much in such a short time.

The pregnancy part, like a lot of stuff to me, seems simple, almost easy in the beginning; Than it gets really Tough. It gets hard, and than you understand what everyone else has been complaining about. And for a moment it seems you're allowed to be a little bit uncomfortable with your body being take over and stretched and broken in some ways-ways that heal. Yes. In ways that heal, but are never quite the same. Like stretch marks and scars. Than there is the emotional stuff and internal stuff that no one wants to talk about.

During my pregnancy I was lucky to have a very supportive midwife and one very cautious midwife (they work in teams of 2 around here). And early into my pregnancy she inquired into my support team after I had my baby. I related that I had Paul and ummmmm well Paul (who is amazing and amazing in so many ways, except that he has to go to work and than I am alone with my roe).

You see my mom and dad (whom I miss more than typed or spoken words could ever express) live 3 hours away, about 20 minutes away from my in-laws. My 2 brothers and my niece and nephew live 2 hours another way from us along with my brother and sister in law and 2 nephews. So I had friends, and my Aunt Gloria and uncle Darren and their adorable and cuddly kids (they're still an hour away). And our closest friends other than one couple who have 4 children of their own live anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour away from us.

You see I hadn't even thought about how HARD it would be not to have my people around. my mom, my girls. Of course this was a huge red flag for the midwife who recommended some support groups etc. And I took the recommendations with a smile and agreed that I'd go there. I have a secret to confess I have yet to go, and the babe is 15 weeks today.

So I got sick the last 2 months of my pregnancy, had a transfer of care to an OB, and was hospitalized quite often. Than Monroe was born and everything seemed perfect. He was/is perfect. Than pain was gone as were the t3's and morphine and antibiotics.

So after my 6 week recovery, I was supposed to be getting out, not isolating myself etc. But even at my 2 week check-up I had to admit that I was getting quite a few check marks on the list of post-partum issues. Than I talked about it, and people did NOT know what to do or say. My mom even said to me "If you can say you have Post-partum depression, than you don't have it". Than she realized you could after spending a weekend (about 3 weeks after Monroe was born) with me where I felt at my ropes end while Paul was away working. You see our society is aware of the issue but if someone openly says they are feeling down down down, no one knows what to say or do because no one actually talks about it happening to them.

The funny thing is once I began to talk about it and people managed to swallow my bluntness with it I started to get some more support. Which was amazing. And I even found my own mama's group (not one from the midwife), but one that works for me. But I only see them every other Friday morning. I would like to see them everyday and have them over for tea and talk and 'support' one another. But life happens and it is not possible.

So I started to feel better about 6 weeks after roe being born and thought, whew that hurdle has been jumped and cleared. Except as we passed the 3 month mark. It came back. Maybe it is a fluke and maybe you think that I am too blunt to be experiencing it. But I feel down and there are factors lately that have added to it, and once again i feel this how the heck am I going to get out of this pit feeling.

I realized that I had not really told my girls about these issues, about how sometimes I feel like I just need a break, maybe in a quiet white room where no one is clawing at me for my breasts. For a week. So I told one this past week, and she took me out with a few of our other friends. And it was amazing. We stayed out til 4 am and danced the night away. We laughed and had fruity drinks and danced and took cute photos ad took hours to get ready. And I felt like I found the me again.

When I came home, and I woke up Saturday with only 5 hours of sleep, it was to an amazing husband, who only called me at 3 am to make sure I was okay, not to demand that I come home at any time soon. And on Saturday morning after I fed Roe, he took him and snuggled him so I could sleep just a little longer. We than went for a family walk, than raked some leaves while Roe slept. We laughed a lot, and Paul told me that he was so happy to have his wife back who cracked jokes and laughed with him. He said it had been a tough few months with me gone. I have to agree.

So I still feel sad. But I am forcing myself to get out more. I am trying to laugh. I am asking for help and I am stating that I have PPD. And I'll be okay and I need your support, so just be there for me okay? I'll do the same for you. I promise.

I think I am slowly finding the me in mom.